Saturday, July 21, 2012

Fat Wishes

This time around, when I regained the weight, it all settled in places different from where it left but mostly in my stomach. I was told that has to do with age now that I’m clearly in my 30s (just turned 33 a few weeks ago). Apparently, weight settles in women’s stomachs when they get older. That explains why older women tend to have thicker waists. Wish I knew that before hand, not that I’m certain it would have made a difference.
I remember being on that scale when I was younger, saying I don’t want to pass the 150lb mark. Then I remember, saying I’m good as long as I don’t pass the 200lb mark after having my 2nd baby at 20. I remember the heaviness on my shoulder when I first saw the scale say 206lbs. But that didn’t stop the line in the sand from moving to 250lb then 300lb. I never got up to 300 but, at one point, I got close. Luckily, my health gave me a good wake up call when my right leg would swell just from sitting for a little while and heartburn erosion ate away my voice. For three months I could not speak without getting winded, I lost the ability to sing, and, metaphorically speaking, I realized how much I needed a voice, my voice. That scared me enough to get into the gym and down to 251lb.
But, a couple of years ago, I climbed back up to 264lb. Lost down to 228lb, now I’m back at 245 after losing 10lbs this summer. I definitely feel like I’ve done more damage this time around even though I’m still about 26lbs lighter than my highest recorded weight (271lbs). If I have more fat in my stomach than before, as evident in the mirror, then that means that fat has to go somewhere, probably around my vital organs.
While I would love a shot a being on that Biggest Loser ranch, getting the time away to focus on just me, realistically speaking, for me, each video I sent out was like buying a lottery ticket. There are lots of people trying to have their number called but only about 20 out of the 200,000 will be given the golden ticket. So while I do have a voice in my head saying, “Why not me”, I have another one saying, “Why not now?” So I can’t wait, especially after reading articles that say belly fat is linked to many cancers, especially after reading that fat requires an increase in estrogen, which leads to those cancers. I don’t want to have the wasting away death I’ve seen in some cancer victims or to stick myself with needles to test my insulin or to wake up in the middle of the night clutching my heart. This may seem morbid but those scenarios are not the way I envisioned living/dying.


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