Life: An Update

Life with twins, a teenager, and a college boy is a heckuva lot busier than I anticipated. So finding time for myself and for writing hasn't been my main priorities. Making sure everyone else is straight has been more important. In addition, I've started working in Direct Sales this summer as an Independent Consultant for Jamberry. It's a growing business for me and I'll enjoy that. I'll save that for another post. What I want to talk about in this post is how important it is to live a full life.

A couple of weeks ago, my second son
was only days from damaging a major artery and bleeding to death (this I'm not going to explain). Then last week I was just a day away from a really messy situation with my appendix. According to the surgeon, I had come to the emergency in time to keep the surgery a clean and simple operation.

I'd been living a life of servitude since returning to work after my maternity leave. I've been a slave to my paychecks, checks that were never enough to cover the financial hurt caused by having to go on unpaid bed rest then maternity leave. I don't understand a system that gives a mother 12 weeks maternity leave but provides only 8 weeks disability pay at 60% of the average income. Mind you, the disability only begins AFTER 30 days of not being at work. So I faced an eviction this February, had been served a 24 hour notice. I begged the courts to stop it on a technicality but I still had all. that. money. to pay in rent-- over $6000. That's where my paychecks and tax refund went.

But, still I owed another $1000 so every month I had to pay another $275 OVER the rent. Which

meant, of course, everything else took a back seat. My car payment fell further and further behind. Every month I had a final notice for my electricity. I lost the cable and internet in my house. My mother was a godsend because she watched my children for free while I was at work. Daycare alone was $1000 for two a month. On a teacher's salary, it became IMPOSSIBLE to take care of my family with a quality of life that wasn't constantly threatened. And so I lived with this cloud of stress. I lived a life that wasn't living.

And last week I was this close to maybe not living at all. When I was younger, my dreams of now were waaaaaay different than what I'm living. Never did I imagine being in so much debt, being so dissatisfied with life, being so far away from my dreams, dreams that I still have. But over the course of life, I've gotten so used to not reaching, to just going with the flow, I don't really now how to begin putting those dreams back on track. Oh I desire it, sure. But talk is talk. I've got to DO. See I've come to realize in that hospital that IF I had died I wouldn't have left behind a legacy I'm proud of.

I've spent my life wrapped in a bubble of hurt and fear that I'm just as guilty

of being my own dream killer as others who have diverted/delayed my plans. I don't want a life of working to a paycheck. I want a purposeful and passionate life, one that affords me the ability to feed my family while feeding my soul. And that begins with me. I've got to DO. I've got to LIVE. I've got to BREAK out of my shell, FLY out of my comfort zone. And that's. so. scary.

Challenge 365

All these ideas swirling in my head. All these great things I want to do overwhelming my brain. All that I want to be standing before me impatiently waiting for me to do the work and achieve. Yeah, it's time. I've got to push past this procrastination and fear. I am more than I am. I try to be in the present but this is not the present I'm to be in. Time to break this cycle of struggle. The two words I heard in my spirit just before the new year were change and restoration. The last few years have been so hard and I've just reacted. Now it's time to be proactive. To start. Somewhere. Anywhere. Right now. I forgive myself of all the false starts. I release the disappointment. I silence the negative voice in my head that tells me I'll just give up; I won't finish. If I want better for myself (and I do), for my family (again I do), then I've got to do better. Starting now. Starting with this post. No apologies for yesterday because I can change none of that. No regret for what's lost because what's for me will be found again. Eyes forward. I contemplated starting another blog and, honestly, I still think I should for this next endeavor. Yes, I will do just that (I'll duplicate the post) but before I go over to another blog, let me tell you what it will entail. It's going to be a blog dedicated to Challenge 365. For one full year, I will embark on different (safe) challenges I see on the internet. The first one is an ab challenge, the one pictured. I just completed day one. The blog will talk about how I feel undertaking the challenges. Sometimes I'll vlog. That is all for here. On to create that blog.

Somewhere It's Still Sunday

Ok, I've decided to do a Give It 100 challenge-- 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of writing daily for 100 days. Gotta exercise my mental as well as my physical. Guess that means I should add spiritual to the mix. Hmmm...I'll make it a daily prayer before bed since the day's pretty much over. I've been slacking on my prayer so that's a good one. Anyhoo. 30 minutes of cardio-- completed. Writing-- completed but maybe not in the form I was hoping. Prayer-- on my way.

Worthiness

I seriously have been avoiding writing in this blog. I think I'm afraid of confronting myself. I've done absolutely nothing to move forward in any a sect of my life. With my pregnancy, my drive just...died. All my dreams feel like they're perpetually on hold again. I had so many plans for this year. I imagined that, once my son graduates, I would be free to move on. Yes, I'd have the other kid but I knew he'd be open to fresh new experiences. But now I have The Minis and taking risks seems selfish and stupid. I've got to provide. And so my sail feels drawn in just when it was getting ready to billow and catch wind. I feel tethered. I mean, who would watch the babies while I'm at work for a reasonable price? As it is, my mom is kinda sorta watching them for free (not really but close enough). I'm not going to get that striking out there in the world on my own away from family. Gah, I feel so stifled. And then I think about maybe just finding a different job. However, I realized, I don't have the experiences for a different job. I got my masters in Ed Technology but there's nothing outside of ed that I know I can do. I have no idea what my skill set is. I feel trapped in a room surrounded by closed doors. I've been racking my mind for an invention, something that could provide a key to the way out. But I think the stresses blind me. So I'm left wondering what can I do, what can I make, to lift me out of the swirling sea of pity, stress, and debt. I don't want just another job. Yes, I'm part of the spoiled generation that also seeks fulfillment. I want to do what I was purposed to do. And, while I do believe that is to teach and help others, I don't feel that the classroom is my space to do it. There's just one caveat: there's a part of me that cowers in corners, feeling undeserving, unworthy of the life I dream. I mean, who am I to think my story will help people, is worth sharing? Who am I to think my words are special enough to be written and spoken? I'm just a teacher, just a single mother, just a person who barely spends time with other people. Just a socially awkward nerd. I'm a procrastinator. I'm messy. I'm disorganized. I'm a dreamer not a doer. I don't plan. I don't reach my potential. I'm lazy. I have an irrational (maybe rational) fear of failure. I have too many people counting on me, too much responsibility. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. I deserve the life I have, the struggle, the constant fear, the stress. I'm to blame. What if I fail? What if my messages aren't received? What if my scripts are flat? What if no one comes to my symposium? What if my idea is stupid? What if my work doesn't say anything and it's all meaningless. I wonder if that's all of it, all of the internal monologue that's constantly running through my mind. Doesn't feel like I"m through but that "What if I fail" is the biggie. I can't really afford to fail with these 4 month old twins and a kid almost in college and an emotionally needy kid all pulling for me. Yes, now I believe that's all of it. And there it is in black & white. So where do I go from here? How do I reprogram my mind to break past these barriers, to duct tape the critic, to push and keep pushing without quitting? This life stuff is hard.

Hello, Clarice

Hello, blog. I've been avoiding you. Well, I've been avoiding writing in general and I can't 100% blame the Minis for distracting me. I mean newborn twins are quite the distraction but, come on, I haven't written since October. It's March 1st. So, yeah, avoidance. Life has been pretty hard. Pretty frickin' hard. But here I am typing so I'm surviving. Can't wait to be conquering. Speaking of conquering...I was given quite the lovely gift with the delivery of my twins last October-- I lost 30lbs. Oooh and did I look fabulous. I got down to my lowest weight in 14 years-- yes, since I was 20 (young and stupid with no real concept of how fat I would get). I shed tears looking at the number on that scale. I vowed not to give back that gift. And, then, I almost did. I got on that scale today... Oh... My... GAWD!!! I damn near jumped off that scale. 231.2. There. That's my number. I never put on my sneakers so fast. I've issued a weight loss challenge for the month of March. These are my goals: *I'm going to endeavor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio (doesn't have to be consecutively done) at least 5 times during the week (I want to say every day but I don't want to put that expectation on me and have to confront failure if it happens). *I'm also going to work to stay within my allowable calorie count. *I'm going to drink a minimum of 10 cups (80oz-- a cup per 25lbs overweight is recommended over the normal 8 but I don't think I can do 96oz) of water a day (hopefully, this will help w/ the high blood pressure and be a natural diuretic). *I will weigh weekly (honestly, daily) in the morning and post that weight in MFP. The scale scared the bejeezus out of me this evening. *I'm going to log ALL food I eat into MFP, even if I'm ashamed-- ESPECIALLY if I'm ashamed. These are my minimum goals. Add me on My Fitness Pal (mzkannon@gmail.com).