I had a really deep spiritual talk earlier this month (June 15th) about a number of things that have been weighing heavily upon my mind, especially the babies.
A lot of my problems with being pregnant right now were mostly selfish but truthfully even those were out of fear. I mean I'm still scared-- parenting is hard and doing it with two at the same time...
No decision I made since getting that positive sat well with me. I wanted control of my life back but just their existence made it hard. If I aborted, it would have been out of selfishness. If I gave them up for adoption, it just would have been out of selfishness...and anger...and fear. If I kept them, it would have been just because I wanted control.
Until the talk (with God) on June 15th.
On June 15th, I became okay with not having control; I became okay with the fear of the unknown; I became okay with putting my life on a type of hold for another 18 years. On June 15th, I became excited at the thought of being with my babies and watching them grow. You can already tell I've turned a corner; I stopped calling them parasites.
So, yes, I made the decision of keeping and raising my babies. My older kids are really excited and are already protective. I let the oldest listen to the babies' heartbeats this morning; he was really enthralled with listening to Baby B. But when Baby A kept kicking at the doppler, Sean told me, "Stop agitating her." Oh boy. These babies have an ally against me. I can just see it now. Thankfully, he goes off to college in a year. Accck! Did I just type that?
I've already created an event on Facebook for my Gender Reveal Baby Shower (having it in August because anything can really happen with twins but, at least, by 23 weeks they'll be viable). I even know the theme I want: MadHatter. I've already found the centerpiece for the tables and the color scheme.
I smile at their kicks (now that I know that's what they are) and listen to their heartbeats before I start my day. And I'm really looking forward to seeing who's who on the ultrasound screen this month. Keeping the gender a secret, though, will be the highlight of my summer.