Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Truth of It

Let's talk.

Where to begin?

I'm sitting here in the dark, barely resisting being crushed by the boulder of responsibility that toppled onto my shoulders, blocking out the sun and closing in my way out.

Real talk. I'm tired of hearing that twins are blessings. I don't feel blessed. I feel burdened and guilted by the weight of a decision gone bad. I can't walk away from this one. I've spent weeks wrestling with my choices : abortion, adoption, acceptance. But nothing feels right. However, there are no other choices. This problem can not just evanesce. Life doesn't come with do-overs. Time Turners don't really exist.

I'm stuck.

So in the wrestling with my mental, time ticked away and one choice disappeared. So I lean heavily towards adoption. And while that decision sits well with me mentally, spiritually it doesn't. At this moment, though, I really don't see another way for me to live my life, to follow my dreams. And, yet, I feel selfish for wanting my me time so badly. It's not like the last 17 years of raising my kids have been hell, just the last two have been. But I'm severely scarred from those two years. There are barriers that I can't mentally surmount, unscalable walls of fear.

What if I mess up again?

What if I can't protect them either?

What if they grow to hate me for giving them away or for having to raise them alone?

How can I make a choice?

I just want to do what's right but how do I know what that is?

I'm so, so, so scared.

There's the truth of it.

I'm scared shitless and arrested by that fear. And that cloud of fear has fogged the shit out of my brain. I can't see, can't think, and don't want to.

But I've got to.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Riding Shotgun

I've come to realize I'm round peg who can't fit in a square hole. Many societies want women to be submissive but that is not in the cards of life I've been dealt. I've seriously had to do and fight for myself since I was a little girl. I was indirectly raised to be independent; my life events have consistently been ones where I've had to struggle and learn for myself-- and one thing I've learned through observation and experience is that there are too many people who find it easy to walk away from things worth fighting for. So at this point in my life, the only kind of relationship I welcome is one where we learn, grow, and build together. Don't try to put me in the backseat; I'm riding shotgun. I'm tired of driving anyway.