I simultaneously hate my hair and love my hair or, rather, anticipate a love for my hair when it gets longer.
Though I love the texture of my hair when it's moisturized, I hate it when it's dry, resembling not quite a Brillo Pad but close. But every time I think of reaching for the creamy crack (a relaxer), I see a picture of a natural sistah with hair a little longer than mine but with the same texture of my moisturized hair. And I envy her. I drop my hand off the rough surface of my head, reminded of the journey to which I committed. I knew going in that going natural wouldn't be easy for a person like me, a person with no hair skills whatsoever and virtually no money to allow someone with skilled hands to craft this hair don't into a hairdo.
I've gone natural before, again for spiritual reasons, and I lasted for 18 months. If I hadn't given into the pressure of trying to be picture perfect (I had senior pictures to take), I would have been celebrating my 11th year of being my natural self. But taking that journey the first time wasn't so hard. I had a woman who would twist my hair for just $35 so that made it easy to keep it done. I didn't have to experience the kinks that occur when I don't sleep with a cap on my head.
Now I'm thinking about doing a preventative style, either getting twists, braids, or a sew-in. I'm leaning towards the sew-in because it lasts longer and my hair would be protected from this insane summer heat. But that leaves the question of money. Good hair is about $150 for two packs and getting it done is over $100. How is that saving me money? And the glue used in the cheaper glued pieces instead of sewed-in hair can kill ya.
It's enough frustration to drive me to think of cutting it all off and just rocking a low cut. But my hair grows fast and I'm looking at getting a haircut every week. Again, how is that saving me money?
I can just go back to relaxing my hair; that's only $8 a box. However, my hair was quite damaged. And, besides, I read somewhere about a study that found relaxers weren't good for my health, as if I needed more health problems. So, I definitely want to stay away from the invasive/destructive chemicals.
This hair journey is not just a spiritual one but an emotional one. I'm being tested on my (lack) of patience. I want the full wavy hair now! But, like anything, it takes work and time to see the fruits of my endeavors. So, until my hair gets to the length I desire, I'm going to have to stop looking at natural veterans with envy but with hope. One day, I'll be there too.