Wednesday, June 11, 2014
All these ideas swirling in my head. All these great things I want to do overwhelming my brain. All that I want to be standing before me impatiently waiting for me to do the work and achieve. Yeah, it's time. I've got to push past this procrastination and fear. I am more than I am. I try to be in the present but this is not the present I'm to be in. Time to break this cycle of struggle. The two words I heard in my spirit just before the new year were change and restoration. The last few years have been so hard and I've just reacted. Now it's time to be proactive. To start. Somewhere. Anywhere. Right now. I forgive myself of all the false starts. I release the disappointment. I silence the negative voice in my head that tells me I'll just give up; I won't finish. If I want better for myself (and I do), for my family (again I do), then I've got to do better. Starting now. Starting with this post. No apologies for yesterday because I can change none of that. No regret for what's lost because what's for me will be found again. Eyes forward. I contemplated starting another blog and, honestly, I still think I should for this next endeavor. Yes, I will do just that (I'll duplicate the post) but before I go over to another blog, let me tell you what it will entail. It's going to be a blog dedicated to Challenge 365. For one full year, I will embark on different (safe) challenges I see on the internet. The first one is an ab challenge, the one pictured. I just completed day one. The blog will talk about how I feel undertaking the challenges. Sometimes I'll vlog. That is all for here. On to create that blog.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Ok, I've decided to do a Give It 100 challenge-- 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of writing daily for 100 days. Gotta exercise my mental as well as my physical. Guess that means I should add spiritual to the mix. Hmmm...I'll make it a daily prayer before bed since the day's pretty much over. I've been slacking on my prayer so that's a good one. Anyhoo. 30 minutes of cardio-- completed. Writing-- completed but maybe not in the form I was hoping. Prayer-- on my way.
Monday, March 10, 2014
I seriously have been avoiding writing in this blog. I think I'm afraid of confronting myself. I've done absolutely nothing to move forward in any a sect of my life. With my pregnancy, my drive just...died. All my dreams feel like they're perpetually on hold again. I had so many plans for this year. I imagined that, once my son graduates, I would be free to move on. Yes, I'd have the other kid but I knew he'd be open to fresh new experiences. But now I have The Minis and taking risks seems selfish and stupid. I've got to provide. And so my sail feels drawn in just when it was getting ready to billow and catch wind. I feel tethered. I mean, who would watch the babies while I'm at work for a reasonable price? As it is, my mom is kinda sorta watching them for free (not really but close enough). I'm not going to get that striking out there in the world on my own away from family. Gah, I feel so stifled. And then I think about maybe just finding a different job. However, I realized, I don't have the experiences for a different job. I got my masters in Ed Technology but there's nothing outside of ed that I know I can do. I have no idea what my skill set is. I feel trapped in a room surrounded by closed doors. I've been racking my mind for an invention, something that could provide a key to the way out. But I think the stresses blind me. So I'm left wondering what can I do, what can I make, to lift me out of the swirling sea of pity, stress, and debt. I don't want just another job. Yes, I'm part of the spoiled generation that also seeks fulfillment. I want to do what I was purposed to do. And, while I do believe that is to teach and help others, I don't feel that the classroom is my space to do it. There's just one caveat: there's a part of me that cowers in corners, feeling undeserving, unworthy of the life I dream. I mean, who am I to think my story will help people, is worth sharing? Who am I to think my words are special enough to be written and spoken? I'm just a teacher, just a single mother, just a person who barely spends time with other people. Just a socially awkward nerd. I'm a procrastinator. I'm messy. I'm disorganized. I'm a dreamer not a doer. I don't plan. I don't reach my potential. I'm lazy. I have an irrational (maybe rational) fear of failure. I have too many people counting on me, too much responsibility. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. I deserve the life I have, the struggle, the constant fear, the stress. I'm to blame. What if I fail? What if my messages aren't received? What if my scripts are flat? What if no one comes to my symposium? What if my idea is stupid? What if my work doesn't say anything and it's all meaningless. I wonder if that's all of it, all of the internal monologue that's constantly running through my mind. Doesn't feel like I"m through but that "What if I fail" is the biggie. I can't really afford to fail with these 4 month old twins and a kid almost in college and an emotionally needy kid all pulling for me. Yes, now I believe that's all of it. And there it is in black & white. So where do I go from here? How do I reprogram my mind to break past these barriers, to duct tape the critic, to push and keep pushing without quitting? This life stuff is hard.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Hello, blog. I've been avoiding you. Well, I've been avoiding writing in general and I can't 100% blame the Minis for distracting me. I mean newborn twins are quite the distraction but, come on, I haven't written since October. It's March 1st. So, yeah, avoidance. Life has been pretty hard. Pretty frickin' hard. But here I am typing so I'm surviving. Can't wait to be conquering. Speaking of conquering...I was given quite the lovely gift with the delivery of my twins last October-- I lost 30lbs. Oooh and did I look fabulous. I got down to my lowest weight in 14 years-- yes, since I was 20 (young and stupid with no real concept of how fat I would get). I shed tears looking at the number on that scale. I vowed not to give back that gift. And, then, I almost did. I got on that scale today... Oh... My... GAWD!!! I damn near jumped off that scale. 231.2. There. That's my number. I never put on my sneakers so fast. I've issued a weight loss challenge for the month of March. These are my goals: *I'm going to endeavor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio (doesn't have to be consecutively done) at least 5 times during the week (I want to say every day but I don't want to put that expectation on me and have to confront failure if it happens). *I'm also going to work to stay within my allowable calorie count. *I'm going to drink a minimum of 10 cups (80oz-- a cup per 25lbs overweight is recommended over the normal 8 but I don't think I can do 96oz) of water a day (hopefully, this will help w/ the high blood pressure and be a natural diuretic). *I will weigh weekly (honestly, daily) in the morning and post that weight in MFP. The scale scared the bejeezus out of me this evening. *I'm going to log ALL food I eat into MFP, even if I'm ashamed-- ESPECIALLY if I'm ashamed. These are my minimum goals. Add me on My Fitness Pal (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Monday, October 28, 2013
the truth is, everyone thinks the business of education is similar to other businesses. it is not. put students on an assembly line as has been done and you will not end up with the same product. in what business world do new procedures gets added without proper training and guidelines? in what business world do arts get added to the whole without being properly assembled (immigrated students at various grade levels)? in what business world do all the parts get jumbled up in one basket and asked to perform the same (gifted, ese, "regular")? in what business world do you build a new model every year from the floor up almost and get paid the same as a head custodian (teaching)? in what business world do you create leaders and have a hand in the development of every person in the nation but are constantly degraded (teachers)? the system is flawed but it started w/ a lot of the parents demanding their children be treated equal to every one else regardless of performance ability. gifted classes fell apart b/c everyone wants their kid to be gifted. regular classes had to accommodate kids who would have normally had their own classes (learning disabled, esol, etc). as a teacher, it's a hard and stressful job. you have to be a special kind of person to stay in it when all the perks have shriveled to almost nothing. i can't afford to be a teacher anymore. and with the state it's in, the testing testing testing and judging, i don't want to be.