I've been missing for a week. I think I snuck in a post at work but, at home, I had no internet. Yes, my cable/internet was disconnected because I had other pressing bills to pay. Ah, the life of the single mom, always having to make the Solomon-choice between gas and grocery. Can't steal from Peter to pay Paul because both of those mickey-fickies are broke. And, yet, I still had to find a way to give my kid $100 for football.
So what choice did I have but to pray? I prayed and I prayed. I reminded God of His promise, His whole "Test me in this" schpiel (sp?). I held up my end of our 90-day bargain; I tithed. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy was it hard! Does it get any easier because 10% of nothing hurts a heck of a lot more than 10% of something.
And, you know what? That $100 showed up. My mom texted me one morning this week to tell me she left it for me in her living room. I would have kissed a cloud in thanks for that unexpected blessing. Instead, I sent up a quick mental thank you in prayer.
Back to what I was talking about: not having internet for a week. Well, one thing my dilemma helped alleviate was the temptation to go on to Facebook. I mean, I went on today to see if I had any messages in the last two weeks (I missed an acting gig the last time I went off Facebook and a friend of mine had a really tragic accident) but I did log right back off. I proud of myself for not giving in to the desire to click on my friend's page and see the updated pics of her newborn. That was hard, really really hard.
But I don't want to mess up what God and I got going; I don't want to be the one to back down. I want what's promised; I want a purposed future; I want my health, house, husband, kids, and career. I want my vision. But, most of all, I want to keep my word. I said I would do this, that I would allow God to make the hard shifts in my life.
I need to get out of this rut.
I have, virtually, no friends active in my life. Most of my friends only converse with me on Facebook, even though they have my number and/or email. I work with my best friend but I don't think she really gets that I'm a single mother, separate emphasis on "single" and "mother". Everything I do, everywhere I go, it's me times three. And, if it wasn't apparent by the way I opened up this blog post, I'm barely making it. The $200 a month I receive for one child ain't cutting it. My other son's father is the epitome of deadbeat. To top it off, this year has been harder than the last fifteen years; it's been so hard, I've had to seek therapy just to make sure I don't give under the weight of everything.
So, yeah, I need this bargain to work. I need to see that tithing works because nothing else in my life is really helping.
This morning, while the sun warred with my sight on my way to work (the sun won quite a few times, so blinded was I that I couldn't even see the traffic light-- so much for transitional lenses), I felt that same sun seeping through my skin and spreading through my soul. Suddenly, my thoughts were as golden as the rays coming through my windshield. I felt God's promise in every pore of my being. There are good times ahead. I want them. Lord knows I need them. I just gotta keep driving towards them.