Sunday, August 21, 2011

In Need of a Road Map

I'm lost. Somewhere along the way, I got off the path, I lost my passion, I left behind my purpose. And I am clueless as to where to begin to reclaim it. Even though my late grandfather, who passed in February 2004, warned me in a dream to "never settle", that's exactly what I did.

I've been settling in my employment and got complacent as a teacher, drawn into the lifestyle of afternoons and summers off. The first 4 years of my 6 years of teaching were struggles but they were for a purpose. God was using the classroom to teach me some very important lessons about myself, lessons that only took that long to learn because I was too stubborn to look at them for what they were and to use them towards my improvement of self. But once those lessons were learned, I overstayed my welcome. The stress of being undervalued and overworked and, in some cases, feeling discriminated against affected my health. I've had more hospital and doctor visits in the last 2.5 years that I've had my entire life. Now, I have high blood pressure and adult acne, a heart harboring hatred and humiliation, and bitterness brewing in my brain. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I don't know how to change.

I've applied to dozens of jobs, seeking to get out of education and back into the corporate world. But the world has changed a lot in the 6 years I've been missing. It's like being Rip Van Winkle and waking up in place populated by a foreign language and abbreviations. Half of the items in job descriptions are like Greek to me. And I feel lost, angry, and bitter that I've let myself down, that I've let myself become so comfortable in education, that I settled.

How do I un-settle? How do I reclaim myself? Where do I begin?

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