Sunday, August 21, 2011

Gotta Have Class

Didn't make it to church this morning but that did not stop me from talking to God. As the Bible says, church is within us. We are church. So I talked to God, seeking His face (ear) because I want to be the best me I can be, that He wants me to be. As I wrote a little earlier today, I didn't know how to make that happen. And, truthfully, I spent the morning feeling somewhat sorry for myself.

I read articles about daughters reminiscing over things their mothers said or wish they could tell their mothers (see herehere and here) and I had tears in my eyes because, no matter how rough a relationship one of them attests to, I still never had even that level of closeness with my own mother-- a woman who, during one particularly heated argument this summer, told me she hated me as much as I hated her. The funny thing was that, until that moment, I never hated her; I'd been disappointed, yes, disgusted even at times but I never hated her. And it was at that very moment that I realized she hated me. Everything ever done to/for me or not came flooding back from the recesses of my memory and slid into place. It was an Aha! moment, a Now I get it moment of understanding. It was because she never loved me that I kept getting thrown out of the house,  or spanked on the regular (well, my cheekiness surely added a good reason), or just plain treated differently from her other 3 kids (kids created w/in her marriage--  I was from someone else before). So as I read, I wept for a relationship that never was and probably never will be.

I sat here on my bed, mired in misery, pleading pitifully for something, for God to show me something. And He did. A thought popped into my head, I already showed you something (see A Walk with God). Well, what are you going to do about it? My school's (Covey's) 7 Habits credo (summary found here) flashed through my mind, well, mainly 2 of the 7: Be Proactive & Sharpen the Saw. Then my eyes landed on a banner on top of a news website I was perusing; it was an advertisement for an online Masters in Creative Writing at a reputable school I vaguely drooled about going to a few years back. They didn't have this degree at the time and now they do. So I clicked the banner and filled out the the boxes, requesting more information. But I wasn't satisfied because 1) I didn't know how I would pay for such a thing (I'm in a student loan mess right now) and 2) I wanted something a little more accessible now. Immediately, my mind grabbed hold of a memory detailing an offering for photography classes at the local community college. Yes!, I thought and quickly pulled up the MDC website.

I found the photography classes and, with a little more poking around, I found other classes I would be interested in taking as well: teaching ESOL (required by my job, gotta have a just-in-case in the back pocket), learning more Spanish so I could stop complaining about the anti-nonHispanic-American non-equal opportunity job market here in Miami, web design (so I can finally do my own website), and magazine writing (so I can put my degree to use). Talk about sharpening the saw.

I've decided to make the sacrifice to take, at least, one of these classes each month (may have to do every other month due to financial constraints) because I can't complain about my life if I'm not willing to do something about my life. Not yet excited because i always say I'm going to do something and I don't follow through. But I'll endeavor to make this time different.

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