Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Essay Schmessay

Here's an essay I submitted for a 'ship (gotta pay for school somehow). Hope it makes you laugh as that was the point.

I remember the sides being muuuuch lower;
this may not be the same slide.

Florida is known for its beautiful beaches, boys, and bikini babes. Well, my story contains none of those. It’s about the time my slightly pudgy seventeen-year-old self allowed two classmates to pressure her into boldly (foolishly) donning her first bikini and climbing up the tallest water slide located in one of Orlando’s water parks.

As I transcended the Babylonian stairs, I saw disapproval in the birds’ eyes as they flew by me. Shame draped my body and, once at the top, fear congealed my blood. My feet rooted to the platform; my ears heard only the muffled instructions from the ride attendant.

Instruction one: cross your arms, cross your legs. Two: you will feel nothing beneath you for four seconds. Three: do not uncross your arms or legs. There were no guardrails attached to this slide; a wrong move could mean death.

I lay down, crossed my legs and my arms, closed my eyes and sent up frantic prayers, “Dear God, make me a bird so I could fly far, far away…”

Rough hands pushed against my shoulders. I felt the slide give away to…nothing. Panicked, my arms flailed; my legs uncrossed. After what seemed like eons, my back crashed onto the hard wet surface of the slide and I jetted down the watery chute, water painfully shooting up the exit orifice of my body.

At the bottom, I opened my eyes to the sight of my girls out of my bikini top and a tourist’s camcorder in my face.

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