Mental Jumble

I don't know what I want to talk about today but I feel compelled to share. That could be the white wine that I imbibed for that very purpose. I just felt like writing; I need to write. I need the escape it provides; I need to delve into the depths of my mind and find what it is that I've been thinking but not allowing to surface. What is it that's in my mind and moves me just so? What commands me to sit here in my comfy chair, eyes closed, head tilted back in total surrender to the dance my fingers are performing on these keys? I don't know. As I type, I am hoping that answer surfaces like a side found floating in the Magic 8 Ball. "Reply hazy". Yes, yes it is hazy-- much like my future. Ah, here's the real reason I'm here. I'm lost. I know what I want...kinda. I know I want to be a motivational speaker that reaches the young masses of females and incite them to not only want but to do better in their lives; to know that their past does not determine their future, they are more than their oppressors, their deferred dreams, their swept-under-the-rug desires. So that's one. I also want my doctorate and will settle on completing my masters for now. But I don't want to settle in love; I want the ultimate package, a man who provides all the -ly's (financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc) a girl can ask for. I want to not always feel like I'm constantly behind watching the ship, which holds my future, float a way. I want my family back together. I want what there is for me to have, every bit of it. I want growth, maturity, tenacity, perseverance, fortitude, humility, ability for prayer, everything. I also want to make, sell, and create movies.  I want it all.