(Un)Deserving?

About a month ago, I wrote about how bothered I was by the use of the word "deserving" in The Biggest Loser's search for season 14's cast. I read elsewhere that "BL said they wanted contestants that needed, and were due for, a break…."

Really?

If they actually watched to the end of my original video (and they didn't), they definitely would have seen that I'm a person who sorely needs a break. I can't share why because it's not completely my story to tell. All I know is, just when I think I've hit bottom and I'm, finally, starting to see a way out, a sinkhole opens up. I've been hit financially, physically, emotionally, maternally, externally, internally, mentally over for a very long while but, this year, my tolerance for pain was tried and stretched.

This year, even the warden of Hell shook his head in pity and asked me what I was doing time for. This year, I've cried more tears than the cumulative number of tears I've shed in the years before. This year, I've written and performed speeches about failure, blogged about failure, talked to my students about failure-- all while wading neck deep in the stuff; I felt like a failure as a person, as a woman, as a mother. This year, I thought about something I hadn't thought about since I was sixteen.

This year, being a teacher went from being the bane of my existence to being a large reason for my continued existence.

Having something to get up for everyday just so that I could continue to provide for my children was quite the unexpected lifesaver. But needing one propelled me to seek out a therapist for myself because the things happening in my life and the life of my son were just too much to handle alone and friends had no idea how to help-- it's just that big.

Thankfully, I know trouble doesn't last always and death can be a permanent mistake.

I smile, laugh, and joke about the complexities of life. I have to because every step I take forward finds me flying a few feet back. Even the therapist was in awe of how I'm still standing with the number of hits I take/have taken. I have to stand strong because I have children; I can't let them see the cracks in my shell. So I sit in my car, shed tears, and talk to God.

Yeah, I would say I'm someone who could, definitely, use a break.

QoMV

TBL14 Open Call Follow Up

I've been meaning to share the outcome of the Biggest Loser 14 open call I went to in June (wrote about my decision to go in another post found here).

Long story short, I wasn't found "deserving" (reference previously mentioned blog post) enough at the open call and did not receive a call back. Let's retrace.

I woke up Saturday morning with a bad case of the sniffles; I've never had a nose so runny. Rushed out of the house to pick up my son at a friend's house, dropped him off at the local university for a football camp, then headed up to the audition. As I drove, heavy grey clouds portended a soggy Saturday but, luckily, when I pulled into the parking lot exactly at 10AM, the rain had passed. Unluckily, the sun decided to make a scorching appearance. The heat and the rainwater clashed, creating a steamily suffocating muggy mess. Plus, only two hours into my wait, the accompanying aches to my cold descended upon my shoulders, leaving me sore, sniffly, and sweaty. Aaaaand I'd forgotten to eat breakfast (rushing does that to me) so my positive good mood threatened to give way to a negative bitchy one. Thank goodness for my company in line. Her incessant chatter and sense of humor kept me from completely falling apart.

But, at least, I looked good even though I didn't feel good. I had on this gorgeous color-blocked dress with a cute pair of earrings.

Five hours from the time I first joined the line snaking around the corner (I was #384/387/something like that), I was seen by the casting director along with seven other people. My nervousness returned full steam, just in time to give my mood an extra lift and plaster a 1000-watt smile on my face (the free 5-hour energy shot* that was given out may have had something to do with it as well). I saw what looked to be a glint of recognition in the casting director's eye when I said my name and an expression of appreciation when I spoke of what I am most proud. I thought it went well; I certainly have no delusions about myself but I seriously expected my phone to ring. It didn't.

I wasn't crushed; I didn't turn over in my bed and cry like I did many seasons ago. This is going to sound conceited but I kinda felt sorry for casting that they passed me up that day; they didn't realize I am deserving. I've come a very long way from where I've been and I'm the kind of person they need representing their brand, the kind of person who is itching for an opportunity so I can pay it forward.

They get one more crack at me, though, because I sent in an audition tape nearly a month ago. It's one of the best audition tapes I've ever made. If they pass up the chance to have me after watching it, it will truly be their loss as this is the last time I audition to be on the show because I will lose this weight somehow and I'll find a way to help others myself. Girl Scout's honor.

It'll just take a little longer.

QoMV

*Note to self: You have high blood pressure; it's tooootally stupid to drink a 5-hour energy drink. Don't do it again.

The Biggest Loser Season 14 Audition

I have a hate/hate relationship with auditions (yep, that's how I started the previous blog). I hate being judged off of how I look as opposed to what I can bring to the table, which brings me to the topic I'm discussing-- The Biggest Loser 14 auditions.




Interesting note: I have auditioned for EVERY season beginning with season 4 (I believe-- it might have been season 3 but I don't remember). A shame, yes, I know. But every one of those seasons, with the exception of two, have been for couples and I, for the life of me, have the darnedest time finding someone either as interesting, lively, or willing to be as open as me to audition with. No surprise that the only time I had a call back was for season 8, a singles season. I was even told by the casting director that I should expect to get called out to Los Angeles for sequestering, during which a battery of physical and psychological tests would be run and other interviews would be conducted.


I was filled with giddiness, spurred on by the arrival of the background application and the request for a biography and more pictures. I thought, finally, I have a chance to tackle and conquer the weight with help. Then...nothing. BIG let down. Guess I didn't fit the profile or they filled their black people quota [TBL, normally, allows a maximum of two brown people (individuals) or sets (couples) per season and they usually don't make it to the make-over portion, often being voted off by the other contestants fairly early]. Fact.


With, at least, the small consolation that I was initially wanted, I applied to other weight loss shows, getting as far as the background app with the promise that I'll hear something soon, followed up by silence. Even with The Revolution last year, I got the same spiel, getting passed over until, I guess, they still had a few spots left and my casting director fought harder for me. So I got to fly out to Los Angeles for the interviews then, unexpectedly (by both myself and the casting team-- they told me with red glistening eyes that they expected me to make it to the boot camp and on the show...so did I) I was sent home early.


Disappointed but not completely discouraged, I came home, enrolled in a boot camp and injured my foot. The rest, if you've been following my blog, you already know. I spiraled into depression and have ridden the lowest point of my life for the last few months. I'm just beginning to ascend and regain my sense of self and purpose.


Now, apparently, The Biggest Loser is auditioning again and this time they are looking at people a little differently but I have a problem with the wordage. An excerpt of the interview follows below.


"Here's a Q&A with Brandon Nickens about "The Biggest Loser" Season 14:" (font emphasis on words are completely mine)

"Q: How do you choose contestants for "The Biggest Loser"?

BN: "For Season 14, we're doing things a little differently. Instead of looking for someone that meets a certain profile, we're asking the question, 'How deserving are they?' We're looking for real, genuine people who will appreciate this opportunity to change their lives! It's really a golden ticket! We spend four to five months searching for the ideal candidates for this show and we listen to their personal stories."

Yes, I have a problem with the word "deserving" because, again, there's this negative judging aspect attached to it. What is the criteria they're checking off to determine who deserves this "golden ticket"? What makes someone more deserving than someone else? I feel like I'm back in P.E. getting picked for teams and TBL is the cool kid whose team I want to be on. Do I want to put myself through that agony?

Well, here's the rub: I already applied. I edited together an audition tape, painstakingly and honestly answered the questions on the long application, combed through family photos, then attached everything to an email as instructed to BL14Casting@gmail.com, addressed to the Cool Kid, with the fervent prayer of "Pick Me" woven into every electronic fiber of the biography I wrote as an introductory note BEFORE I found the aforementioned interview on the web. Now I'm trying my best not to obsess and worry about being passed over because I may have been considered undeserving. 

This second interview I found clarifies the sentiment a little more and makes me feel a bit better:

"Who they want: Nickens says that past seasons have often relied on contestants who were TV savvy, with big personalities and dramatic stories to tell, but this time he’s after something different. “For Season 14, we’re looking to get back to basics. The most-important thing is to find a deserving, “rootable” person. … It’s good to have a little back story, someone who’s been dealt a rough hand, but this is a golden ticket. We want to give it to someone who is deserving of the opportunity. A person who will pay it forward.”"

The word "deserving" as it's used here is a bit more positive than it was in the other article. And, given the rest of this second excerpt, I feel I fit the criteria of what it takes to join the Cool Team because my mind has already been on a way to pay it forward, not just the opportunity but life's lessons in general. 

I'm definitely ready to play. So I guess this means I'll be heading to this weekend's open casting call. Now, what to wear...?

QoMV