(Un)Deserving?

About a month ago, I wrote about how bothered I was by the use of the word "deserving" in The Biggest Loser's search for season 14's cast. I read elsewhere that "BL said they wanted contestants that needed, and were due for, a break…."

Really?

If they actually watched to the end of my original video (and they didn't), they definitely would have seen that I'm a person who sorely needs a break. I can't share why because it's not completely my story to tell. All I know is, just when I think I've hit bottom and I'm, finally, starting to see a way out, a sinkhole opens up. I've been hit financially, physically, emotionally, maternally, externally, internally, mentally over for a very long while but, this year, my tolerance for pain was tried and stretched.

This year, even the warden of Hell shook his head in pity and asked me what I was doing time for. This year, I've cried more tears than the cumulative number of tears I've shed in the years before. This year, I've written and performed speeches about failure, blogged about failure, talked to my students about failure-- all while wading neck deep in the stuff; I felt like a failure as a person, as a woman, as a mother. This year, I thought about something I hadn't thought about since I was sixteen.

This year, being a teacher went from being the bane of my existence to being a large reason for my continued existence.

Having something to get up for everyday just so that I could continue to provide for my children was quite the unexpected lifesaver. But needing one propelled me to seek out a therapist for myself because the things happening in my life and the life of my son were just too much to handle alone and friends had no idea how to help-- it's just that big.

Thankfully, I know trouble doesn't last always and death can be a permanent mistake.

I smile, laugh, and joke about the complexities of life. I have to because every step I take forward finds me flying a few feet back. Even the therapist was in awe of how I'm still standing with the number of hits I take/have taken. I have to stand strong because I have children; I can't let them see the cracks in my shell. So I sit in my car, shed tears, and talk to God.

Yeah, I would say I'm someone who could, definitely, use a break.

QoMV

TBL14 Open Call Follow Up

I've been meaning to share the outcome of the Biggest Loser 14 open call I went to in June (wrote about my decision to go in another post found here).

Long story short, I wasn't found "deserving" (reference previously mentioned blog post) enough at the open call and did not receive a call back. Let's retrace.

I woke up Saturday morning with a bad case of the sniffles; I've never had a nose so runny. Rushed out of the house to pick up my son at a friend's house, dropped him off at the local university for a football camp, then headed up to the audition. As I drove, heavy grey clouds portended a soggy Saturday but, luckily, when I pulled into the parking lot exactly at 10AM, the rain had passed. Unluckily, the sun decided to make a scorching appearance. The heat and the rainwater clashed, creating a steamily suffocating muggy mess. Plus, only two hours into my wait, the accompanying aches to my cold descended upon my shoulders, leaving me sore, sniffly, and sweaty. Aaaaand I'd forgotten to eat breakfast (rushing does that to me) so my positive good mood threatened to give way to a negative bitchy one. Thank goodness for my company in line. Her incessant chatter and sense of humor kept me from completely falling apart.

But, at least, I looked good even though I didn't feel good. I had on this gorgeous color-blocked dress with a cute pair of earrings.

Five hours from the time I first joined the line snaking around the corner (I was #384/387/something like that), I was seen by the casting director along with seven other people. My nervousness returned full steam, just in time to give my mood an extra lift and plaster a 1000-watt smile on my face (the free 5-hour energy shot* that was given out may have had something to do with it as well). I saw what looked to be a glint of recognition in the casting director's eye when I said my name and an expression of appreciation when I spoke of what I am most proud. I thought it went well; I certainly have no delusions about myself but I seriously expected my phone to ring. It didn't.

I wasn't crushed; I didn't turn over in my bed and cry like I did many seasons ago. This is going to sound conceited but I kinda felt sorry for casting that they passed me up that day; they didn't realize I am deserving. I've come a very long way from where I've been and I'm the kind of person they need representing their brand, the kind of person who is itching for an opportunity so I can pay it forward.

They get one more crack at me, though, because I sent in an audition tape nearly a month ago. It's one of the best audition tapes I've ever made. If they pass up the chance to have me after watching it, it will truly be their loss as this is the last time I audition to be on the show because I will lose this weight somehow and I'll find a way to help others myself. Girl Scout's honor.

It'll just take a little longer.

QoMV

*Note to self: You have high blood pressure; it's tooootally stupid to drink a 5-hour energy drink. Don't do it again.