The Silence of God: A Poem

i stand in front of mountains
too steep for me to climb
and i'm haunted by a troubled past
i cannot leave behind
my thoughts echo with regret
my eyes incessantly weep
i've forgotten how the prayer
goes when i lay me down to sleep
i feel His silence wrapped
as i am in the cloud
i wonder if my wails
and screams were not all that loud
i plead for His mercy and beg
the Lord for help
still His silence echoes
leaving me broken by myself
no friend i have can understand
the weight of my despair
so i pray to an absent God
staring hopeless at the air
why have You forsaken me
and left me on this road
if You don't give too much to bare
why am i struggling with this load
now is when i need You most
i've asked and not received
i'm standing in front of this mountain
waiting...intercede (or waiting for You to intercede)

(c) 2012 Queen of Mental Vomit

(Un)Deserving?

About a month ago, I wrote about how bothered I was by the use of the word "deserving" in The Biggest Loser's search for season 14's cast. I read elsewhere that "BL said they wanted contestants that needed, and were due for, a break…."

Really?

If they actually watched to the end of my original video (and they didn't), they definitely would have seen that I'm a person who sorely needs a break. I can't share why because it's not completely my story to tell. All I know is, just when I think I've hit bottom and I'm, finally, starting to see a way out, a sinkhole opens up. I've been hit financially, physically, emotionally, maternally, externally, internally, mentally over for a very long while but, this year, my tolerance for pain was tried and stretched.

This year, even the warden of Hell shook his head in pity and asked me what I was doing time for. This year, I've cried more tears than the cumulative number of tears I've shed in the years before. This year, I've written and performed speeches about failure, blogged about failure, talked to my students about failure-- all while wading neck deep in the stuff; I felt like a failure as a person, as a woman, as a mother. This year, I thought about something I hadn't thought about since I was sixteen.

This year, being a teacher went from being the bane of my existence to being a large reason for my continued existence.

Having something to get up for everyday just so that I could continue to provide for my children was quite the unexpected lifesaver. But needing one propelled me to seek out a therapist for myself because the things happening in my life and the life of my son were just too much to handle alone and friends had no idea how to help-- it's just that big.

Thankfully, I know trouble doesn't last always and death can be a permanent mistake.

I smile, laugh, and joke about the complexities of life. I have to because every step I take forward finds me flying a few feet back. Even the therapist was in awe of how I'm still standing with the number of hits I take/have taken. I have to stand strong because I have children; I can't let them see the cracks in my shell. So I sit in my car, shed tears, and talk to God.

Yeah, I would say I'm someone who could, definitely, use a break.

QoMV

Snake Dream

Just dreamed of a random dude at my mom's yard sale picking up a large green snake and stuffing it in his mouth. Then when I tried to hurry by him, he was pulling it out of his mouth to throw at me. I jumped awake really quick before it could land. 

A snake dream = betrayal/false friends. This is a warning to me and let it be a warning to whomever it is who calls me a friend but who intends to hurt me either with their words/gossip/actions. Don't. 

People who hurt me pretty quickly see their lives take a downward turn. God said, "Do my anointed no harm", promised "no weapons formed shall prosper", and assured me He will "smite mine enemies". So if that dreams was about you, I'm not the only one who has been warned. Have a great day. I got another hour of sleep to find.

My other two dreams were: I dropped my iPhone (putting my case on it today) and my son had most of his room cleaned and needed help (will do that today). Then I had this snake one-- it was stupid and random up until that point.

I'm Back

I've been missing for a week. I think I snuck in a post at work but, at home, I had no internet. Yes, my cable/internet was disconnected because I had other pressing bills to pay. Ah, the life of the single mom, always having to make the Solomon-choice between gas and grocery. Can't steal from Peter to pay Paul because both of those mickey-fickies are broke. And, yet, I still had to find a way to give my kid $100 for football.

So what choice did I have but to pray? I prayed and I prayed. I reminded God of His promise, His whole "Test me in this" schpiel (sp?). I held up my end of our 90-day bargain; I tithed. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy was it hard! Does it get any easier because 10% of nothing hurts a heck of a lot more than 10% of something.

And, you know what? That $100 showed up. My mom texted me one morning this week to tell me she left it for me in her living room. I would have kissed a cloud in thanks for that unexpected blessing. Instead, I sent up a quick mental thank you in prayer.

Back to what I was talking about: not having internet for a week. Well, one thing my dilemma helped alleviate was the temptation to go on to Facebook. I mean, I went on today to see if I had any messages in the last two weeks (I missed an acting gig the last time I went off Facebook and a friend of mine had a really tragic accident) but I did log right back off. I proud of myself for not giving in to the desire to click on my friend's page and see the updated pics of her newborn. That was hard, really really hard.

But I don't want to mess up what God and I got going; I don't want to be the one to back down. I want what's promised; I want a purposed future; I want my health, house, husband, kids, and career. I want my vision. But, most of all, I want to keep my word. I said I would do this, that I would allow God to make the hard shifts in my life.

I need to get out of this rut.

I have, virtually, no friends active in my life. Most of my friends only converse with me on Facebook, even though they have my number and/or email. I work with my best friend but I don't think she really gets that I'm a single mother, separate emphasis on "single" and "mother". Everything I do, everywhere I go, it's me times three. And, if it wasn't apparent by the way I opened up this blog post, I'm barely making it. The $200 a month I receive for one child ain't cutting it. My other son's father is the epitome of deadbeat. To top it off, this year has been harder than the last fifteen years; it's been so hard, I've had to seek therapy just to make sure I don't give under the weight of everything.

So, yeah, I need this bargain to work. I need to see that tithing works because nothing else in my life is really helping.

This morning, while the sun warred with my sight on my way to work (the sun won quite a few times, so blinded was I that I couldn't even see the traffic light-- so much for transitional lenses), I felt that same sun seeping through my skin and spreading through my soul. Suddenly, my thoughts were as golden as the rays coming through my windshield. I felt God's promise in every pore of my being. There are good times ahead. I want them. Lord knows I need them. I just gotta keep driving towards them.

QoMV

In a Nutshell

May 1st.

I didn't want the first day of the new month to go by without me posting to the blog. I can stereotypically begin with, "So much has happened since..." but I won't (though it's the truth). While a lot of things have happened, most of it resembled the changing landscape of a hamster wheel. If you missed the sarcasm, I banish thee to the depths of...some really deep and dark place...where ants crawl inside and earthworms salmon-slink up your nostrils-- all while rats nibble on the cuticle area of your toes, swishing their long and disgusting tail against the epidermis covering your ankles.

Me foot's still injured (yes, I wanted a lickle bit of an Irish accent-- now a Caribbean one, eh). I've actually been wearing heels (not supposed to wear flats w/ Achilles tendonitis) and just last week my walking boot arrived in the mail, so I've been wearing that as well.

My youngest...

My job. Sigh. Apparently, there are rumors floating around my job about me. And, in keeping with the characteristic of a rumor, they are rather unflattering ones. The shame of it is that they are not being spread by the students (I'm getting used to the backbiting of the girls-- don't expect better of them and I won't be disappointed). Nay. These rumors were breathed life by coworkers. They do not warrant repeating.  I'm not hurt, just mad because it's like, "Really?". Why? Ugh! How old are we? Thirteen?

My finances...suck major hard-boiled egg with an extremely dry yolk. So, I've been applying for jobs. Teaching is too vampirish on my bank account.

My love life is still quite dead. Or, rather, it's a bit undead-- more zombie like really. A mere shell of what used to be. That translates into he and I exist but not as a "we".

My life...I'm still here; I'm still breathing. If there's anything these last seven months have taught me it's that I'm a lot stronger than even I imagined (and I thought myself pretty strong). I've bent, yes, but I didn't break. I became the palm tree in the storm. And I owe that all to my faith/belief in a higher power I like to call God.

QoMV