The Silence of God: A Poem

i stand in front of mountains
too steep for me to climb
and i'm haunted by a troubled past
i cannot leave behind
my thoughts echo with regret
my eyes incessantly weep
i've forgotten how the prayer
goes when i lay me down to sleep
i feel His silence wrapped
as i am in the cloud
i wonder if my wails
and screams were not all that loud
i plead for His mercy and beg
the Lord for help
still His silence echoes
leaving me broken by myself
no friend i have can understand
the weight of my despair
so i pray to an absent God
staring hopeless at the air
why have You forsaken me
and left me on this road
if You don't give too much to bare
why am i struggling with this load
now is when i need You most
i've asked and not received
i'm standing in front of this mountain
waiting...intercede (or waiting for You to intercede)

(c) 2012 Queen of Mental Vomit

Parenting Perplexities

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Being a parent is hard; being a parent to a pre-teen is very hard; being a parent to a preteen who has been diagnosed with ADD, ODD, ABCD, EFG since he was young and is only getting worse is veeeery hard; being a parent to a preteen who has been alphabetically diagnosed and who has revealed in a few therapy sessions a history of being sexually abused is...what's a word that really captures "near impossible"?

So, now, enters the medical question. No, it's not should I medicate; I think, at this point in the game, I'm beyond that question. The question is, which medicine do I choose? Which won't have the worst (any) long-term effects? Which won't have immediate harmful short-term effects? Which will really help? Which will give me back the son I never got to know?

I got a call, this morning, from a doctor wanting to put my child on Risperal. I stalled, asking for some time to do research on this drug I never heard of. So a Google search turned up pages and pages of information as to why this is not a drug to take if a person is not truly psychotic. (Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that my research turned up that this was an anti-psychosis pill. My son is not psychotic). The search also turned up dozens of YouTube videos that point to male children growing breasts as a result of taking this drug. No thank you.

So I turned to looking for something that would deal with my son's impulsiveness, his venomous tongue, and his lack of focus. I've read nearly a thousand user reviews in the two hours since I got the phone call. Adderall's out. Concerta's out. Strattera is out. Ritalin is waaaaay out. Focalin is an option but I'm scared about what it may do.

Why is it so hard to find a drug that treats ADD without causing heart or liver problems, mood swings, or thoughts of suicide?

Will I cause more harm in giving a green light to a pill than my son's issues?

Contrary to some of the parents posting reviews, I don't want to medicate my son so that my life could be better. I'm looking to make his life better. As I read review after review of Focalin where the users said, "Now, I feel like a normal person" and "Finally, my brain doesn't feel so cloudy", I'm drawn back to the living room where, many years ago, while helping my son with his homework (more like barking at him and growing increasingly frustrated at his lack of success), my son grabbed his head and said, "My brain doesn't work". I switched from yelling to encouraging, telling him that it can work and that he can do the work. But I have to wonder if, at just the young age of six/seven/nine, he was right. Was his brain too cloudy to think straight?

I know I felt that way for a few years after being raped. For four years, I couldn't think, couldn't concentrate, couldn't feel. I was in danger of failing my senior year of high school. I, definitely, failed my first two years of college. The first feeling that returned was anger. I was just so angry at the world, at my rapist for stealing and alternating my future with a child, at my mother for not listening, at myself for not speaking up and for allowing myself to be a victim. Was this the same way my son felt?

Crawling up from that depression took a hell of a fight. I still work at keeping my head floating above the drowning waters of that egocentric disease. But it's easier now because I realize that life is filled with up and down cycles. Sadness is just a part of the plan; so is happiness/contentment. It's all about perception.

My son is currently a very negative thinker. However, I can't help but feel there's another way to reach him other than in pill form; I have yet to find that way. I've tried rewards and punishments, discussions and Disney; I've even tried letting him live with his deadbeat dad for six weeks (and spent six weeks crying until the tears left permanent stains on my pillows). All to no avail. But I haven't tried medicine.

So, I'm at a crossroads, trying to figure out the best course of action to take, praying that I don't do something that is negatively irreversible. I can only hope the solution is just as simple as waiting for maturity to take over, rendering medications unnecessary; but, since I have to act now, I can only hope the medicines do not annihilate that possibility.

I'm just so scared of making the wrong decisions.

QoMV

I'm Back

I've been missing for a week. I think I snuck in a post at work but, at home, I had no internet. Yes, my cable/internet was disconnected because I had other pressing bills to pay. Ah, the life of the single mom, always having to make the Solomon-choice between gas and grocery. Can't steal from Peter to pay Paul because both of those mickey-fickies are broke. And, yet, I still had to find a way to give my kid $100 for football.

So what choice did I have but to pray? I prayed and I prayed. I reminded God of His promise, His whole "Test me in this" schpiel (sp?). I held up my end of our 90-day bargain; I tithed. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy was it hard! Does it get any easier because 10% of nothing hurts a heck of a lot more than 10% of something.

And, you know what? That $100 showed up. My mom texted me one morning this week to tell me she left it for me in her living room. I would have kissed a cloud in thanks for that unexpected blessing. Instead, I sent up a quick mental thank you in prayer.

Back to what I was talking about: not having internet for a week. Well, one thing my dilemma helped alleviate was the temptation to go on to Facebook. I mean, I went on today to see if I had any messages in the last two weeks (I missed an acting gig the last time I went off Facebook and a friend of mine had a really tragic accident) but I did log right back off. I proud of myself for not giving in to the desire to click on my friend's page and see the updated pics of her newborn. That was hard, really really hard.

But I don't want to mess up what God and I got going; I don't want to be the one to back down. I want what's promised; I want a purposed future; I want my health, house, husband, kids, and career. I want my vision. But, most of all, I want to keep my word. I said I would do this, that I would allow God to make the hard shifts in my life.

I need to get out of this rut.

I have, virtually, no friends active in my life. Most of my friends only converse with me on Facebook, even though they have my number and/or email. I work with my best friend but I don't think she really gets that I'm a single mother, separate emphasis on "single" and "mother". Everything I do, everywhere I go, it's me times three. And, if it wasn't apparent by the way I opened up this blog post, I'm barely making it. The $200 a month I receive for one child ain't cutting it. My other son's father is the epitome of deadbeat. To top it off, this year has been harder than the last fifteen years; it's been so hard, I've had to seek therapy just to make sure I don't give under the weight of everything.

So, yeah, I need this bargain to work. I need to see that tithing works because nothing else in my life is really helping.

This morning, while the sun warred with my sight on my way to work (the sun won quite a few times, so blinded was I that I couldn't even see the traffic light-- so much for transitional lenses), I felt that same sun seeping through my skin and spreading through my soul. Suddenly, my thoughts were as golden as the rays coming through my windshield. I felt God's promise in every pore of my being. There are good times ahead. I want them. Lord knows I need them. I just gotta keep driving towards them.

QoMV