Gemini's Twins

 Yes, it's true. 

That word on that stick is the whole truth. Well, not the whole truth because not only am I pregnant (oh goodness!), I'm pregnant with twins (pass me the shotgun). 

I feel too old to be pregnant. Now, I know 33 is nowhere near old but you have to understand that I've been doing this mommy thing for the last 17 years; I got started about 10 years ahead of schedule. So while I am technically a 33-year-old mom; I feel more like a 43-year-old mom. I'm exhausted. And for the last four weeks I've been wrestling with what I'm going to do. 

Yes, for the last four weeks, I've considered an abortion, strongly considered an abortion. Was 98% sure that was the route I was going to take. I made that doctor's appointment with the hope that the choice would be taken out of my hands-- that there would have been a case for termination that would have sat at ease with my conscience. But, while sitting in that doctor's chair, greatly unenthused with the thought of becoming a mother the third time, I made the decision that I was going to abort no matter what was on that ultrasound monitor. 

And then I saw two bubbles. I hoped I didn't see two. The doctor moved the ultrasound wand around in grave silence and a flutter of hope entered my chest. Maybe something was wrong. I mentally prepared what I was going to say to the doctor, that this was ok, this was how it was meant to be-- a wakeup call to take better care of myself. 

Finally the doctor spoke after clearing his throat. He said the machine was too grainy for him to be clear about what's going on. I told him that I thought I might have an ectopic because I had no real pregnancy symptoms other than fatigue and a missing period. He said, no, definitely not ectopic. He said, I'm just going to go ahead and tell you what I see; I see two. I said that I saw the same thing and asked if the bubbles were empty. I mean, they looked empty, really empty. Just two bubbles. 

But he said, no there's definitely something in each. And he zoomed in to each bubble and I could see the beginnings of a baby in them both. Then he zoomed further in each one and the heartbeats patterned in peaks and plateaus across the bottom of the screen. I just stared, hope replaced by resignation. I mean, I had my mind made up to terminate the one but it just wouldn't be fair to abort two. I don't know why that changed things but it did.

And now I'm in freakout mode and it keeps hitting me that I'm starting over. I was four years away from having struggled to raise two kids to adulthood and here I am starting all the way over times two.

God help me.

QoMV

Getting Back on Track

Yesterday was a pretty good day.

I found out my god daughter's pregnant. Well, I didn't just find out; she did. I pretty much knew it already. I was feeling a baby around me and her face popped into my head. So I texted her out of the blue about a week to two weeks ago and asked her if she was (I did that to my brother a couple of years ago and I was right then too). This positive makes me a "grandmother"at the ripe old age of 33. Oy!

My son and I went for a bike ride. I got the really ambitious idea that we would bike from my apartment to my grandmother's house. I figured, since I used to walk four miles in an hour last year, biking three miles should be a piece of cake. Yeah, a melting-in-93-degrees-with-no-cloud-cover-biking-against-the-wind-with-my-heart-thudding-against-my-chest piece of cake.

Once I trudged up the driveway of my grandma's house, pulling in breaths of air, dragging my bike behind me, I entered the house, pointed the fan in my direction, flopped on the couch, and promptly called the aforementioned god daughter to come pick me up. There was NO way I would be able to make the return journey home on that rock-hard bike seat. How the heck did I used to do this as a kid, as a teenager, biking for hours with no indication of fatigue or a near-death experience (I swear I saw the light yesterday)?

Internet Cheapie on top; Dollar Tree on the bottom.

My god daughter and I went back to my apartment and chilled a while, talking about the baby and what needs to be done in order to make sure she's healthy and the baby's healthy. I had her take another pregnancy test because I really wanted to see it (I just so happened to have a couple of Dollar Tree tests and some internet strips (had a scare last month, don't judge me) laying around in my file cabinet). Boy did the results take a LONG time to come up (about 3-5 minutes) and, even when they did, they were extra light. She would be considered six weeks by her last period but I think she a week or two less than that, judging by my extra sensory perception. You can barely see the lines on the picture but they're there (in fact, the $Tree one didn't show up before the internet strip; I went back to look at it a little while later and saw the line. She sent me a picture of another $Tree test she did this morning, much clearer). Then we watched a bit of the BET Music Awards before going our separate ways.

Source and more pix

Chaka Khan (l) Nicki Minaj (r)

*Side note* Chaka Khan looks like an older version on Nicki Minaj. When she was performing, I was like, "OMG! Are they related?" Well, I didn't say "omg"; I just don't feel like typing the whole thing.

Then, later that evening, came the best thing of all-- yes, even bigger than finding out I'm going to be a grandma (it's a corny but funny joke to me). Last night, the Queens of the Screen got back together and had a creative meeting about our script that was put on hold for the last two years (the direct result of creative differences). It felt so good to see the project revived, to see my baby come back to life. And, last night, it was truly a collaborative effort; I no longer felt like I was carrying the brunt of the writing-- I mean, I know I'll still be doing the writing itself, but, this time, the ideas, the outline we're drafting, are not just from one or two people but all three of us. I'm even more excited about it now than I was before and I didn't think that was possible.

The two-year break served us all well. Everyone is more experienced, ready to get back into the saddle and really see this thing through. We're not out with our feelers anymore; we're really stepping into this thing with more knowledge, more wisdom than before. It's no longer naive ambition; it's driven ambition. I'm praying we can get the full first draft done before the summer ends, while I have the time to write and focus on just this because next school year promises to be hella busy. Good thing we already have half of it done.


Man, it's been so long since I've been excited, since I've had so much positivity going on in my life. It's been truly missed.