I Abhor Auditioning

I have a real hate/hate relationship with auditions. I hate the judging, usually based off of looks instead of content or character or contribution that could be made to the script, show, etc.

I've acted on the side, dabbling in the industry to figure out if it was where I wanted to focus my energy, time, and resources (I'd often been told how great of an actor I am by audiences after a theater performance or by crew members after an acting gig, was even told I was a natural by Will Smith's acting coach, Aaron Speiser after a workshop). But, instead of growing more confident with each audition, I grew more self-conscious, especially in this Miami market where a breakdown doesn't usually call for someone like me (fat black female) unless it asks for someone loud, brash, crass, rude, angry, ignorant, lazy, and/or ghetto (I'll put a video of one of the roles I was hired to fill below and you tell me if one or more of the aforementioned adjectives doesn't apply)-- in other words, someone completely contrary to my own nature. Doesn't help that my mom named me a ghetto name (I deleted the name-- those who know me know what it is), does it? Lol. Of course, that was in the 70s before it became ghetto.

With every audition, I became aware of my blackness and how the world of writers and directors see my blackness. With every breakdown, I became aware of the lack of acceptance for the variety of people who come from a black background. Even if a breakdown calls for a black woman, she has to be "ambiguously" black, meaning you can't pin her down as an African-American type of black person. The mixed race makes her more accepted by the media masses. The intelligent black person rarely finds his/her way on screen-- unless his name is Will Smith (I quite admire the dude by the way).

Someone told me to just keep playing the roles until I didn't have to, until I could make my own decisions and choose my own roles but my conscience won't let me. So I crawled into my head, sub-consciously sabotaging auditions for roles I felt perpetuated the American black stereotype.

But this color issue is actually not what I want to talk about; it's not why I began this blog. Never mind. Let me just make it its own blog entry and I'll move what I wanted to talk about to another blog. So continuing on this track, I go.

Which brings me to some other more practical advice I heard-- write my own scripts with the kind of people I'd want to play. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck did it with their script, Good Will Hunting. So there's an option I'm interested in taking. But, as of today, I've been arrested by a crippling case of procrastination. I'm just going to have to fight through it otherwise I'll just be all talk.

Sigh.

That's it for now. Enjoy the video. If anything, you'll get a laugh out of it, especially if you know me. =) (reading the comments on YouTube were funny, except the racist ones of course).

QoMV

Sooo They're Not All Bad

Nice to know. =) Their dry sense of humor is refreshing. Nice tumblr.

 However, I do worry about this one. This is what I'm afraid of, what it is doing to the psyche of people too young to accept the reality, too far removed from a time when racism was this blatant and in your face. I pray for the future of the world's children.

QoMV

A (Un)Healthy Dose of Fear

Amandla aka Rue

I'm tired of talking about race. Tired of having it occupy my mind. Tired of having fear furrowed inside the fiber of my being. But I must admit, after recent news happenings regarding the Trayvon Martin case, an Iraqi woman's death filled by hate in California, and the world wide whine (click the link, it's an enlightening read) about the movie casting of a character found within the imaginings of a fictional book, I'm a little scared.

Growing up in the 80s/90s in a very decent neighborhood had allowed me a certain level of naivety. Oh, I knew racism existed but I thought it was just in pockets. Common sense would tell you that all Black people are not evil and all Middle-Eastern folks are not terrorists. Technology has given voice and, in some cases, anonymity, to those filled with ignorance and the ability to use a computer. And the ignorant follow blindly behind the ignorant. That doesn't bode well for our future.

Twitter Hate on the Hunger Games Casting of Rue

As I said on Facebook: You would think I would be used to this. But, strangely, I'm not. It still hurts. But it also makes me all the more determined. Hate over the Hunger Games. Smh...just leaves me to ask the question, what's a Black life worth? Surely it should be the same as a life. Period. What does color truly matter? It's less than a 1% difference in the DNA. 


But I've got to realize that racism is taught and tolerance isn't and, if it is, it's, sometimes, taught with a blithe sense of superiority: "This is our duty to help the poor starving Black children of Africa..." Sigh. I'm just so tired of it all but it doesn't seem to be going away. 

Black is not a disease. It is not an impairment. It is not a disability or a disadvantage. It is just another level of difference to the outer layer, the surface of a person. Not all that different than having blue or green eyes, red or blonde hair. It's a mutation that evolution saw as advantageous. Guess evolution didn't plan on some mammals obtaining and retaining a prehistoric-reptilian-sized barbaric brain. I bet these are the same people who profess a love of God, who ask to be accepted because of their sexuality, who plot on bursting through cafeteria doors, wielding high-powered rifles and laying waste to the lives of their peers. It must make them feel worth something to glare at a person with an obvious difference. I have pity for them. But I'm not stupid; I, also, have a healthy dose of fear.


QoMV

Source: tyrawm

Race Card Pulled

I'm usually the last black person in the building to holler about race, even when I was pulled over by cops while in the Falls area b/c they said they saw smoke coming from my car (I don't smoke), even asked me how I, a college educated-- hell, high school educated person, knew the word "valid" when I used the word regarding my driver's license, even when a friend (Tq) and I were followed by cops while driving in the Pinecrest area at night b/c, I guess, we didn't fit the profile of million-dollar home inhabitants, even when an older white gentleman moved his wallet from his back pocket to his front while walking in front of me, even when I sat unwaited on in the Hard Rock in Puerto Rico (again w/ Tq) for about half an hour before we complained to the manager (and was given whatever we wanted for free-- we ordered all kinds of sh*t [we were tipsy from our visit to the Bacardi Factory]), even when the northern Spaniards pelted me w/ bread and shot me w/ water guns, calling me all kinds of names in Spanish, leaving me to hide in my dorm room for two weeks before I finally said f*ck it and flaunted my big beautiful black body all over Santander. But, even I've got to say something about this Trayvon Martin case. This sh*t right here, this sh*t right here is pure RACISM. For real. (In case it's not clear, each highlighted word is a link to a different article pertaining to this case-- except for one).

This case has so many black parents afraid for their child(ren). It underlines everything we whisper about. And, in Miami, not just black parents but Spanish/Cuban/Latin ones too b/c our kids come pre-labeled. What is there to say when the state's standardized test is used to determine how many jails to build? 


The police tapes have been released and I can't bring myself to listen to them. Just reading about how his mother ran out of the room while they played was enough to break my heart. I never want to feel what she's feeling, never want to have to go through the pain of losing a child, especially one so young and so sudden. I can't even bear the thought. 


QoMV

And They Say the Hate's Not Racially Motivated

Apparently, there are some who beg to differ. Sad. I've got nothing eloquent to say except a lot of these same people who hate because of something I and other people were born with are the main people fighting for gay rights or animal rights or gender rights. Hypocritical, no?

Ignorance is learned. How about that for a paradox?

Update: The owner said the Don't Re-Nig sticker was not meant in a racist way. Your thoughts?
Newer update: Never underestimate the power of social media.