Worthiness

I seriously have been avoiding writing in this blog. I think I'm afraid of confronting myself. I've done absolutely nothing to move forward in any a sect of my life. With my pregnancy, my drive just...died. All my dreams feel like they're perpetually on hold again. I had so many plans for this year. I imagined that, once my son graduates, I would be free to move on. Yes, I'd have the other kid but I knew he'd be open to fresh new experiences. But now I have The Minis and taking risks seems selfish and stupid. I've got to provide. And so my sail feels drawn in just when it was getting ready to billow and catch wind. I feel tethered. I mean, who would watch the babies while I'm at work for a reasonable price? As it is, my mom is kinda sorta watching them for free (not really but close enough). I'm not going to get that striking out there in the world on my own away from family. Gah, I feel so stifled. And then I think about maybe just finding a different job. However, I realized, I don't have the experiences for a different job. I got my masters in Ed Technology but there's nothing outside of ed that I know I can do. I have no idea what my skill set is. I feel trapped in a room surrounded by closed doors. I've been racking my mind for an invention, something that could provide a key to the way out. But I think the stresses blind me. So I'm left wondering what can I do, what can I make, to lift me out of the swirling sea of pity, stress, and debt. I don't want just another job. Yes, I'm part of the spoiled generation that also seeks fulfillment. I want to do what I was purposed to do. And, while I do believe that is to teach and help others, I don't feel that the classroom is my space to do it. There's just one caveat: there's a part of me that cowers in corners, feeling undeserving, unworthy of the life I dream. I mean, who am I to think my story will help people, is worth sharing? Who am I to think my words are special enough to be written and spoken? I'm just a teacher, just a single mother, just a person who barely spends time with other people. Just a socially awkward nerd. I'm a procrastinator. I'm messy. I'm disorganized. I'm a dreamer not a doer. I don't plan. I don't reach my potential. I'm lazy. I have an irrational (maybe rational) fear of failure. I have too many people counting on me, too much responsibility. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. I deserve the life I have, the struggle, the constant fear, the stress. I'm to blame. What if I fail? What if my messages aren't received? What if my scripts are flat? What if no one comes to my symposium? What if my idea is stupid? What if my work doesn't say anything and it's all meaningless. I wonder if that's all of it, all of the internal monologue that's constantly running through my mind. Doesn't feel like I"m through but that "What if I fail" is the biggie. I can't really afford to fail with these 4 month old twins and a kid almost in college and an emotionally needy kid all pulling for me. Yes, now I believe that's all of it. And there it is in black & white. So where do I go from here? How do I reprogram my mind to break past these barriers, to duct tape the critic, to push and keep pushing without quitting? This life stuff is hard.

Hello, Clarice

Hello, blog. I've been avoiding you. Well, I've been avoiding writing in general and I can't 100% blame the Minis for distracting me. I mean newborn twins are quite the distraction but, come on, I haven't written since October. It's March 1st. So, yeah, avoidance. Life has been pretty hard. Pretty frickin' hard. But here I am typing so I'm surviving. Can't wait to be conquering. Speaking of conquering...I was given quite the lovely gift with the delivery of my twins last October-- I lost 30lbs. Oooh and did I look fabulous. I got down to my lowest weight in 14 years-- yes, since I was 20 (young and stupid with no real concept of how fat I would get). I shed tears looking at the number on that scale. I vowed not to give back that gift. And, then, I almost did. I got on that scale today... Oh... My... GAWD!!! I damn near jumped off that scale. 231.2. There. That's my number. I never put on my sneakers so fast. I've issued a weight loss challenge for the month of March. These are my goals: *I'm going to endeavor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio (doesn't have to be consecutively done) at least 5 times during the week (I want to say every day but I don't want to put that expectation on me and have to confront failure if it happens). *I'm also going to work to stay within my allowable calorie count. *I'm going to drink a minimum of 10 cups (80oz-- a cup per 25lbs overweight is recommended over the normal 8 but I don't think I can do 96oz) of water a day (hopefully, this will help w/ the high blood pressure and be a natural diuretic). *I will weigh weekly (honestly, daily) in the morning and post that weight in MFP. The scale scared the bejeezus out of me this evening. *I'm going to log ALL food I eat into MFP, even if I'm ashamed-- ESPECIALLY if I'm ashamed. These are my minimum goals. Add me on My Fitness Pal (mzkannon@gmail.com).