F.O.C.U.S.

F.O.C.U.S:

Follow
One
Course
Until (you're)
Successful

(Not Yet) Reflection Time

Given that I'm a difficult person to get along with and the few health and personal issues I've encountered this year, I'm thoroughly convinced that this life is mine to travel alone. Funny how 10 years ago, I was in the position to counsel a friend from feeling the same way but that was when we had youth and naïveté on our side (she has since fallen in love, got married, and created a family-- in that order *yes!*). Maybe when I'm 80 and cussing like a sailor, some hot salt & peppered geriatric 83 year old will find me delightfully funny and pleasant company-- at least I wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant and him being a deadbeat dad (lol), leaving me to struggle through life and adolescent hell alone (again). As I near the end of 2012, I'm letting go of the hope that someone will come along soon to make this life bearable, of past hurts, of anger over situations I can't change, of the ghosts of old love. Like they say in the bible, "can't put new wine in old skin". In 2013, my attention, my dreams, my hopes, my life will be centered around me. Chivalrous knights and fated soul mates are reserved for the pages I have yet to write.

Rambling

Tonight's just going to be a ramble. I've got nothing on my mind while having so much on my mind. Today, I cried for Newton. Yesterday, I couldn't, I was so in shock. But this morning while reading the updates and watching the videos, the tears wouldn't stop coming. And then I felt anger because I started thinking about how little people think of teachers, how they are considered nothing more than government paid babysitters. Yet, here, these teachers were the equivalent of heroes, saving the majority of their students from becoming that a-hole's victims while putting their own lives in danger. Education is the most vulnerable of systems. No one fights for it; they fight over it though. But I don't want to talk about that anymore.

It's almost time for me to do my reflection post. Last year, I got to talk about all the firsts I experienced in 2011 but, I'm afraid, 2012 has been rather unkind. It's been a regularly waltz through the courtyard of hell. So I'm fighting with myself not to post a rather negative reflection of the year. I believe, instead, I'm just going to do a resolution post. I would much rather tuck 2012 away to the bottom of the missing socks drawer.

On a brighter note, so far I've managed to escape the Leap Year Curse. Nearly everyone I know has fallen pregnant, even those in the 30+ category. A friend of mine graduated one child from high school and brought another into existence. My goddaughter gave birth at 26 weeks to twin girls. My college friend had her first. A family friend ended up pregnant only a year after having major body restructuring. A few cousins came down with the baby bug. But, even given the way I feel, I'd much rather have gotten a positive pregnancy test than to go through a lot of what I went through this year. Still, with 16 days to go, I'd rather not have to take a test. Thankfully, Mother Nature should be dropping off a gift for me this weekend so that'll take me out of the running for half of the remaining days at least.

There's just been a lot of heartache but there's also been a lot of growth. Here's to hoping that 2013 is an easier pill to swallow.