Watercooler Weekend

I've had some really interesting online conversations this weekend. One was regarding the lack of diversity in roles for ethnic persons. The other was about being a single mom. Both topics are very dear to my heart.

Aaaaand I found out my car has a crack in the radiator which made buying that Honda Pilot all that much more of a good move for me.

Aaaaaaand I'm entering a Toastmasters competition next weekend.

Annnnnd I'm in dire need of another line of income.

I saw Ghostwriter II. The storyline had potential. The camera work was distracting. And Nick Cage really needs to lay off the one-note acting. However, the movie had some good funny parts. C+. I, also, saw Good Deeds. It was ok, just ok. It wasn't GUHREAT as the masses would have me believe but it was pretty good. The sex scene was disturbing. Thandi Newton really overdid the screaming. But I feel this was Gabrielle Union's best work to date. Movie gets a B-/C+ from me.

I'm sleepy. G'nite.

QoMV

TGIFriday!!!!!

I'm so ready for summer vacation.

I'm tired of dealing with parents who won't allow their children to make mistakes and learn from them. Tired of working with the result-- children who think power is being able to threaten an adult if they don't like a mediocre grade they earned for mediocre work in a class. Tired of not being supported. Tired of trying to stop a tidal wave with my hands.

So, so, so very tired.

I want to know what it is to sleep 7-8 hours without threat of being late, to dream again, to just feel peace sinking in my soul.

I've got quite a bit more to write but I'm just so tired.

Quick note: I bought a newer vehicle, a 2008 Honda Pilot. After reading numerous reviews, it seemed like a good choice. It just means that money is going to be VERY tight unless I figure out a way to create some new income, get a better paying job, and/or find someone who is making at least what I'm making, preferably more.

Climax, the Story of My Heart

As you don't know, I just experienced a pretty nasty breakup. We went from being kissy lovey in the morning to being text-terrorists with sundown. Neither one of us thought to call the other to clear up the misinformation/miscommunication caused by the texts (for the record, no one can hear your joking tone on a cell phone screen so a joke in bad taste is just open for misinterpretation). The anger over the texts led to deeper things being revealed and the way I felt could pretty much can be summed up with one word: shit. Actually, this phrase works better: lost as shit. Because I was. So. Lost.

It all happened so fast; It was like I'd been standing inside that Lion King wilder beast stampede, looking for a naked tree to hug, and, at the end of the rush, I was staring at the lifeless body of Mufasa, er, I mean our relationship. Flat-line. No chance of revival. He just let me go. Just like that. *Snap* Boy, how stupid.

Anyway, in the midst of my tearful tsunami, I heard the new Usher song, Climax, on the radio. I thought he had ripped a page out of my heart and sang its forlorn words for the world to hear. It's become the theme song to my short-lived first romance (yes, first at the age of 31). And the craziest thing about it all, is that the night we definitely broke up (Valentine's Day) is the day Usher released the song. How fitting. See the lyrics below:


USHER -- CLIMAX LYRICS.
Going nowhere fast.
We've reached the climax.
Were together, now we're undone.
Won't commit so we choose to

Run away. Do we separate?
Don't want to give in
so we both gave up.
Can't take it back.
It's too late; we've reached the climax, climax.

I've falling somehow, feet off the ground.
Love is the blow that keeps raining down.
Where are you now when I need you around?
I'm on my knees but it seems we're

Going nowhere fast.
We've reached the climax.
Were together, now we're undone.
Won't commit so we choose to

Run away. Do we separate?
Don't want to give in
so we both gave up.
Can't take it back.
It's too late; we've reached the climax, climax.

I gave my best, it wasn't enough.
You came and said we argue too much.
We made a mess of what used to be love.
so why do I care, I care at all, at all, at all, at all.

Going nowhere fast.
We've reached the climax.
Were together, now we're undone.
Won't commit so we choose to

Run away. Do we separate?
Don't want to give in.
So we both gave up.
Can't take it back.
It's too late; we've reached the climax, climax.

You say, it's better if we love each other
separately.
I just need you one more time.
I can't get what we had out my mind.
Where are you now when I need you around?
I'm on my knees but it seems we're going

Going nowhere fast.
We've reached the climax.
Were together, now we're undone.
Won't commit so we choose to

Run away. Do we separate?
Don't want to give in
so we both gave up.
Can't take it back.
It's too late; we've reached the climax, climax.

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's exactly how I felt and still feel a week and a half later. There's no turning back. No making up. I'm not that forgiving and I don't think he is either. We're too much alike for apologies. And too different for reconciliation. I would be utterly amazed if I had to eat those words. Anyhoo, enjoy the song below.

QoMV

Down with Procrastination?

Um, yeah, right. So far, so not good. Did I seriously think this would be an overnight on-off switch? That I would now be more productive? The short answer: yes.

And, well, I snoozed all 5 of my alarms, plus the extra one on the iPod. I am only writing because my youngest son disobeyed me and stayed asleep when I woke up everyone to get ready for school. Now, it looks like I'll be late for work.

But I'm writing. Hey, look at that.

I got a few things on my mind, like what car to buy: 2007 4Runner or 2009 Equinox. How to make ends meet once I do buy it (need a newer car, don't need a new bill). How to jump back into the dating game or, rather, how to meet new, interesting, educated, ambitious, open-minded, cultured AVAILABLE men. Where to find a new doctor for my youngest. Why 2012 keeps beating up on me. There are a few more flitting around my brain but it's still too fogged to think.

So there. I've written. Procrastination over. For the moment. Hurrah. Off to work I go.

QoMV

False Alarms

Ugh! I'm up and I'm writing something. Stupid alarms. So not how I pictured beating procrastination but, I guess, these things take time. There. Something written. Now I'm going back to bed for another thirty minutes.

QoMV

Procrastination Buster, a Chart for Better Times

Yep, the above picture just about sums it up. 

Now, here's to getting this stuff right. Down with Procrastination!

Lent. What Gives?

Let me preface this by saying I'm not Catholic. Oh, I'm Christian, alright. But not Catholic. However, every year, I like to partake in the spirit of sacrifice during a particular period in time called Lent. I like the idea of giving up something that I might not otherwise consider going without unless it was for the Lord.

Last year, it was Facebook. The year before, I believe, it was biting my nails. Before that, chocolate. Before that meat & bread. Yeah, double whammy. And somewhere, in one of those years, it was also fast food. So on the great Lent's Eve, I find myself pondering the question, What do I give up this year.

Upon great thought, I realized that what I most want to give up, what I find most arduous to let go, is the very thing I need to put on the shelf: procrastination. Yeah. Procrastination. It's time it went buh-bye.

Procrastination had been my best friend through school, helping me write the most awesome papers during the 11th hour. I lived on the adrenaline of clock-watching whilst keyboard-drumming. It surged through my veins, giving me a jolt of energy better than any cup of coffee Starbucks has to offer. But the other side of the coin was that I, soon, couldn't live without the rush. And now that I'm out of school, deadlines diminished, taking along with them the natural high I came to need.


Oh, I've tried setting my own deadlines: by 30, I'll finish my first book; by the end of summer, I'll finish my screenplay. But self-imposed deadlines get whittled away by excuses and by the demands of life. Who am I kidding? The following cartoon clearly illustrates what the problem is.

Yes, I BLAME YOU, INTERNET! If you weren't so DARN interesting and bent on feeding my ADD, I just might get something productive done. But nooooo, you really must insist on catching my interest with stories of old people who die soon after each other or the rapist lurking behind a computer screen or a mother who foregoes cancer treatment in favor of carrying her baby full-term or Rihanna and Chris Brown getting together to make not one but TWO songs as if the world has yet forgiven those two for their public display of domestic dispute (violence). How can ANYONE get any WORK done when there is so much NEWS out there?

I digress.

I need to give up my procrastination. And looking at the next two cartoons, while searching for other relevant cartoons (instead of actually writing this post), really helped me put into perspective just how much damage and delay I've allowed procrastination to produce in my life. And why. That was one of the biggest eye-openers-- the why(s).

The other really HUGE eye-opener came through the cartoon with the old man having his epiphany of where he wants his life to go while attached to tubes in a hospital room. It doused me with a cold truth of reality: time ticks interminably. When I began this Who Am I journey nearly eight years ago, I had no idea that eight years later, I would be nearly nowhere close to the realization of my dreams. And I can only blame myself and my procrastination.

I can list all the things I SHOULD have done by now, but I won't (at risk of lowering my already fragile self-esteem-- rough year). All I can say is that I don't want to be like that cartoon; I don't want to be on my deathbed shouting, "Eureka! By Jove I've got it!" or filled with regrets like these people. So I'm forced to recall the admonishment/warning spoken to me by my dearly departed grandpa nearly eight years ago in a dream (yes, his death was the catalyst for my spiritual journey). He said, "Never settle." Until now, I've only been half-listening.

With this year's Lent sacrifice, I intend to give my full attention to those words. I won't settle for feeling the sands of time and my dreams slip through my open fingers. I'm giving up being what I was never intended to be-- a passive procrastinator. I am not my life's spectator; I am its leading lady. It's high-time I acted like it.

QoMV

The Foundation of Failure, My 6th Toastmasters Speech

It's been an extraordinarily hard three weeks. I've gone from being stoked for the new year's annihilation of 2011 and obsessing over pounds to begging for the "hardships" of yesteryear and bowing my head in prayer because this year has been the epitome of hard. The last three weeks have unfolded more heart wrenching news upon heart wrenching news upon even more heart wrenching news. I've, literally, been beaten down, crying out to God from the very depths of my soul, surrounded by a self-sustaining sea of saline. My eyes have been wrung dry as has my heart. I felt every bit of a failure in every aspect of my life for familial reasons I can't go into.

But God.

He planted people in my path who showed me the other side of the coin and, for that, I am thankful-- still hurt and angry and sad but, also, thankful.

I continued going to Toastmasters and was scheduled to give my 6th speech. I removed myself from the agenda but not in time, I suppose. I stood, completely unprepared to give a speech, shoulders drooping from the weight of the issues I now faced, mind completely affixed and floundering in the field of failure. I walked up to the front podium, took a deep breath, then opened my mouth, speaking on the only thing I could-- failure.

I know God was using me that night to talk to me, as well as to the other members and guests present. In fact, after I gave the speech, a couple of the guests approached me to tell me what a timely message that was for them. I could only smile because I didn't feel like I deserved it; those words weren't mine.

This is that speech:

A few days ago, I was quite disconsolate and, while thinking about everything that's been happening, the tears began to sting anew. In the middle of putting together a video for a weight loss show audition tape, listening to the speech to find a good sound bite to put in the tape, I began to pay attention to the words that fell my lips. By the end of the speech I felt fortified again.

I still find myself falling back into sadness during quiet moments; it's hard not to when I think of how changed my family has been by tragedy. But I'm learning to lean more and more on God. I sense Him all around me and I know He's in control. It helps that I've been introduced this past week to the song, For Every Mountain by Kurt Carr; it reminds me of how often God has kept me throughout my life. I've made it a point to listen to this song, at least, once a day. If you need encouragement, this is definitely a song that can provide it. Have a listen.

Kelly Price also does it some great justice. See/hear for yourself.

So I'm going to end this entry on that note. Be encouraged. We serve a mighty God.

QMV